Angels on earth

I know that my problems are very small to others, but for the last several weeks it has felt like so much has gone wrong that I just didn't know when the "sun would shine" again. I felt awful, most of the time. It was a very dark and painfully sad time for me. I wondered about talking with my doctor about possible depression, and when I did I was assured that no, I am not clinically depressed, just sad and stressed out. Well, I tried a few things to change it around on my own, not really having tons of success at it. Finally I realized that I had not tried the most important thing -- turn it over to God. I have gone to Him in prayer daily throughout this time, but always saving that in reserve I suppose, feeling that I have asked for too much. There is never a point where we can ask our Savior and Father in Heaven for too much. They gave everything for us, and want us to accept that gift -- I realize now that I must accept the Atonement of our Savior more fully so that He can heal my heart. I know this is a lifetime deal -- every time I need Him and the power of the Atonement in my life He is there and the gift is there -- I have to reach out and accept it. I also know that God puts angels in our paths to help us and frequently these angels are our family and friends, sometimes total strangers. Last week a friend I had not seen in months attended the same women's meeting I was going to sing at. She came up to me joyfully exclaiming, "I have been so excited to see you" and stayed by my side for hours that day. She was my angel! I needed her so badly! And yesterday I had the opportunity to attend 2 church meetings, receiving a badly needed influx of the Spirit, and in the middle of the day another wonderful friend and I went to lunch and then she took me to her "hair girl" and we got my hair cut and colored. Angels are all around us! I know that I need to show my gratitude to my Savior for his love for me, for sending me those angels -- and I will -- and I can't wait to figure out fun ways to be angels for my wonderful friends and family!

January 2012

I think the beauty of a new year lies in the possibilities. I think of the new year as a canvas, never touched, waiting for form, line, shading, color. Sometimes the canvas at the end of the year has looked quite grim. Sometimes it's clearly been painted over, scrapped, messed with. Other times, not very full, but obviously "loved".
My 2011 canvas was very full and messy looking by the end. I wish some of that mess had been scrapped off, or that I could have avoided splattering the paint quite so much, yet the months march on and I have to just go with it. This canvas is a one time deal, each year, and cannot be tossed. 2011 looks like heartbreak, sorrow, pain, joy, grief, frustration, exhilaration, hope, wonder, regret and so much more. I will look back on it and wonder, and sometimes grieve, and hopefully I will learn from that so that 2012 will have more hope, more bright joy, more music, more dancing, more laughter, more gratitude and more faith.
This canvas is fairly clean still ... and I know at the end of the year, whatever else it may be, it will be mine.

1 step forward, 3 steps back

I have continued to try to eat healthier, walk more, take stairs when available, park farther away from doors of stores, etc., and drink more water. Exercise has not been as consistent, but I am not giving up, just recommitting to put more effort in each day. I find it harder to motivate myself when I do not see results quickly, and I also work better with a partner.

I remember walking daily and doing aerobics 3 times a week with a friend -- that was the perfect situation. She lived in a quiet neighborhood with great roads, so we could walk in the evenings without worrying about too much traffic. I live on rock/dirt roads and it is hard to walk on them without hurting, not to mention the way people drive on them. I think most people who live out here on the rock roads drive like it's "their" road or they drive like they are Nascar drivers. Pretty frustrating. I live several miles from any town, and about 16 miles to the high school, so gas prices discourage much travel for that either.

This summer I had the opportunity to drive a Prius to another state for the owners (friends who were moving) and it was phenomenal. Great drive, lots of leg room, comfortable seats, GREAT on gas/costs -- I wish I had one -- seriously. Living out here, that would save me SO MUCH on fuel costs in a year! I don't know how it would handle the icy roads in winter, but I would be willing to find out!

We are trying to do some major "de-stuffing" of our house right now, and although it is helpful, the stuff we were just given by the aformentioned friend as he is moving, is clogging up my house! We don't have room for the "new to us" stuff yet, and desperately need to get rid of our old stuff that we are replacing. Combine this with the immediate need to empty and renovate our attic and I am so overwhelmed! There are years of accumulation that we are needing to go through, and I feel like I have to be very careful about a lot of what I need to help go though -- it's a somewhat stressful situation. I won't have a lot of time shortly, as I work in our school district and we go back to school in about a week, so which hours of the night do I not need for sleep? This does not even take into account my families needs, the hours I choose to commit to my volunteer position in our church, or any personal hobbies or activities I want to participate in. I wish my sisters lived closer -- I know a couple of them would certainly help me sift though my house/life if they were able to.

This disjointed messy post is my cry for attention, I suppose. Too bad no-one will see it and no-one will know. More sad, really, is the fact that I am posting it here and not telling any of the people I wish for support from. Maybe someday I'll get around to telling them, or expecting help. (Probably not though.)

Day 2

Hey -- I did my 30 minutes on Day 1, but I just didn't make it back to the computer to tell you. :) It's all good. I walked for 20 minutes, did about 8 loads of laundry (and in my old farm house, that means going up and down 2 sets of steep stairs over and over) and ran errands. I'm counting all of it for that day!

For Day 2 I have walked for 30 minutes, and scrubbed out my china hutch, put in the china given to me by my friend and the milk glass from my mom. I am going to walk again tonight, after the sun goes farther west and downward, and cools us off a bit. I ate a healthier breakfast and lunch today also, and now probably won't eat as well for dinner, as we are having some fairly food picky friends of my daughters' stay the night. But last night I baked fish! Yum!

I have to remind myself that every effort is SOME effort more than nothing and that as long as I don't give up, I am moving forward. So for today, that is my goal -- to not give up! ;)

Places to breathe

I need to find a way to create a quiet space/time for myself. The last several months have taught me that private time, quiet time for me, is imperative. I internalize my stress and any outward influences that cause stress I pull in and it makes me physically ill. I have had more migraines, stress induced headaches and backaches, achey joints and have even caught myself clenching my teeth again! I have to work that stuff out in a more productive way -- I cannot let all of this build up over and over -- I lose sleep, get sick to my stomach and when I am that stressed out I have to write myself reminders over and over because it messes with my short term memory. Hate that! So, here it is -- I will exercise 30 minutes a day -- no matter what -- even if it is slow walking by myself. I cannot share my goal with the person I would most like to, as that person has a habit of using things in my life to hurt me when they are upset/angry or hurting also. I don't need more negativity at this point, after all, that is what I am trying to rid my life of! Tomorrow will be a good day for me to scrub a few things in the house (more than 30 minutes right there) and walk with my youngest kiddo. I will at least check in at the end of every week and report on that weeks' success.

Sick girl, sad Mom

On May 5, 2010 my Monkey girl spiked a high fever and had terrible pain and we ended up at the ER with her. Ultimately she ended up at Children's Hospital in Omaha, with pylonephritis (kidney infection). This is a kid who is normally so healthy -- the worst she ever gets is a bad cold once a year and snot nose during allergy season. She was inpatient until May 8th, and then we got to bring her home. She finished her antibiotics on the 16th and yesterday, May 21st -- she starting running a fever again and running to the bathroom constantly again. I took her to the doctor immediately, and they ran a urinalysis which showed lots of gunk, so the Doctor prescribed another round of the same antibiotic she was given upon leaving Childrens. Unfortunately it is not prescribed often, so many pharmacies don't even keep it in stock usually, and I ended up having to call 6 places before I found one that had it. To top of insult with injury, our insurance doesn't pay for it, so my bill was $320. Ouch. My girl had a fever before I left the house to get the med, so I gave her childrens tylenol and my older girl stayed with her. She was great and got her little sister to drink plenty of fluids. Exactly one hour after I had given the tylenol (and I was 35 miles away with the prescription) Big Sis called to tell me Lil Sis had a temp of 102.1 -- up 3 degrees from when I left 1 hour previously. My hubby was 10 minutes ahead of me getting home and we checked her again, fever climbing, and I called our doctor, who told us to head straight for Childrens again -- posthaste. I packed a bag (forgetting stuff, as usual) and we came up. We are inpatient again, suspected pylonephritis again, and right now she is pitifully lying in the bed, trying to watch cartoons, waiting on an ultrasound. This is so hard on a Momma's heart. I am praying that my girl will feel better soon and that the doctors and other medical personnel here will figure out what is happening, why, etc., and help her to heal completely and quickly.

The little ones

This week at work I discovered a need within myself to cherish all of the little ones -- no matter their size or where they come from. A young boy, grade 3, who has a terrible home life, always has an unbelievable growl/frown on his face. NEVER is this boy smiling. Well, one day at lunch he asked if he could help me by fishing the utensils out of the soapy bucket of water to place into carriers to run through the dishwasher. Someone else had already asked and so I told him that we really only needed one person at a time doing it and would he like to help me in the morning after he ate breakfast. He immediately agreed and I immediately forgot about it (I was in the middle of a rush of 2 grades -- 60+ kids in line to eat). The next morning rolls around and he comes in, earlier than usual, to eat. Not frowning, just ... expectant. He ate quickly, was respectful (also usually an issue) and then approached me. I thought he was wanting 2nds, but he instead said, "No, thanks, I'm here to help you". Again with the expectant look on his face. So I gave him a pair of the gloves we use and gave him several tasks he could do without it being a problem and basically kept him busy for the next 10 minutes until the bell. I thanked him and praised him for a job well done and got my heart broken when he beamed up at me and told me he'd help me "every day from now on", as though I had done something amazing to him. I knew before this that his home life was bad -- I didn't realize how his tender little heart had been broken, until I saw him bloom for those few minutes under what I think of as basic respect and consideration. The Lord is watching over us all; I beg His tender mercies for a young boy whose shattered heart needs to heal, and for my judgmental one to look beyond the outside view and welcome all in.